15-10-2015 Chiang Mai, Thailand
Do you know this feeling like you think you bought something unique, like a dress or a certain car for example and then when you have it you suddenly see it everywhere? Like everywhere! In every street, on tv, on the highway, on Facebook and maybe even the neighbors a couple of houses down the street have one. Well that’s kind of how I feel now. I didn’t knew many people who do what I’m doing. Most people I know in Holland have jobs, a home, responsibilities, are having or building a career or a family or both. I feel different from them, like I have a different mindset and a different purpose. I felt kind of unique in this. I don’t say better or worse, just different. Sometimes it feels like I’m the only one in the world with this feeling. The feeling of not belonging in just one place and working on just one thing. The urge to travel, the urge to develop myself personally, the urge to save planet earth. Not knowing what is going to happen next and even where I will be next week. But now here in Chiang Mai, I’m just one of them. The population of foreign people here consist mainly out of people like me.
Somehow suddenly I meet all this likeminded people. People who are looking for their goal in their lives and somehow they are all in the beginning of the right track, but still feel a bit wobbly. Like a baby giraffe who is just born, just fell down out of the mother giraffe and tries to stand up and walk. He knows he can do it, he knows he will get there, but he just doesn’t know yet how to use this long, shaky legs. But when he finally stands up and makes his first steps, he feels like the king of the world and there is nothing he rather does than gallop and jump, although it’s better for him to take baby steps. I feel like I’m on the right track, but also in the beginning of a big transition. Like a butterfly who just came out of the cocoon, sees the beautiful world again and is ready to get on a mission to find some lovely flowers to drink from, but patiently has to wait for the wings to dry.
Since I left Holland end of July the travels are different from when I left a year ago to the Maldives. I’m focused now on developing myself in a more straight forward manner. I’m learning skills like teaching Yoga and Thai massage in actual schools which give me certificates as a proof that I master a certain skill. That’s a good feeling you know, receiving a certificate. Its feels like I completed something. Kind of an acknowledgment. I can do stuff. I’m not quite sure what that means though. Its nice and all, but is it going to help me? There is something else that comes with learning new skills. You can compare it with the feeling all travelers have. The more you travel, the more you discover that there is so much more to explore. The more I learn about Yoga for example, the more I discover how less I actually know about it. You would think a certificate of a 200 hour teacher training would give me the confidence to be a better teacher. Funny enough for me it almost works the opposite way. I think I was even more comfortable in teaching before I did the training. I understand the meaning of how being thoughtless makes you happy so much more now.
So I am in a transition. I feel like I have to do something with the skills I’ve just learned, but also with skills I already had. I feel like I have to add value to my life in a certain way. Like doing a project, finding a job, creating something, building something. I just don’t really know where to start or what to do. I still have the urge to travel around, not being stuck to one place or to one activity.
The likeminded people I meet have the same urges as me. It’s inspiring to see how people can travel around the world and just make money online. For me that would be perfect! I just feel like I have a lack of talent. That sounds a bit funny to be honest. People often tell me that I’m so talented and I can do so many things and actually I think they are right. I have a thousand hobby’s, I don’t suck at most things I do and I’m easily bored, so I’m always looking for new things or skills to learn. But because of that, there is nothing what I really master. I don’t feel like I am an expert in anything. To become an expert I need to devote myself to a certain subject or skill and I don’t have the patience for that. As soon as something becomes easy for me or I discover that I will never master it, I will get bored and look for a new challenge. So my talent is doing a lot of things a little bit.
I posted a question on Facebook to discover what people see me doing, how people see me and what they think I’m good at. I got a lot of nice response, but mainly with the question what I love to do, what is my passion and what would I like to do if money doesn’t exist. The thing is, if I have to answer with just one thing, I freak out. I’m afraid that if I for example really make a career out of teaching yoga and do that every day, a certain amount of hours so I make enough money to live from, I would be bored soon. And I don’t like it anymore and I don’t want that. Yoga is one of my passions. It’s just a fear off course, I never know what will happen if I don’t try it.
Maybe I just have to wait patiently for my wings to dry. I just got un popped. Things will fall into place eventually. The universe has a plan and I just have to follow the omens. I don’t have to do just one thing and I don’t have to have a plan yet either. I will keep on practicing, developing myself, but also have a little bit more faith and be proud and grateful. The thing I have to work on is self confidence. If I have more self love I will radiate my energy, what will attract the right people and opportunities. Oh I love writing so much! If I only gave myself more time to do it! I suddenly know what to do! Absolutely nothing. Just be. Just be patience. Just tell myself everyday that I’m enough, I’m doing great and everything is okay, just the way it is. Here, now on this very moment.
With love and light to all living creatures in the world.