The purpose of Life (1.0)
Here I found myself again wondering what I am doing with my life. Aren’t we all? Looking for the purpose of our lives? I wonder this a lot, because I feel this urge to know what to do all the time and I know it’s not just me. Or maybe it’s the age I’m in. Why am I here on earth? I also know that after contemplating about this for a bit that I don’t really have to know and that I just have to be patient, follow the omens of the Universe, follow my instinct.
In order to gain the capability to listen to my instinct I have t reconnect to myself. First step is to ground to earth, to connect myself to our Mother Earth. This is not something I can do and then it’s done and then my instinct talks to me and tells me what to do. It’s an ongoing proces of connecting. It’s an ongoing proces of being aware of the self, of the surroundings and the here and now. It’s an ongoing proces of trying not to get distracted by everything that’s happening in other places, with other people. My phone is my biggest distracter.
At this very moment I got distracted by a phone call from someone who tries to sell me a website. Oh no wrong words, not sell me, but make a website for free and then I just have to pay for maintenance. Right. Okay where was I, oh right, what’s the purpose of my life? Ongoing proces, not get distracted. Ping! Says my phone. Someone is texting me. Do I look? Do I look? Just a quick peek and then I’m back in my focus mode?
Just to visualise how I’m sitting right now. I escaped home, because I have a day off and staying in makes me think too much. Unfortunately at home I can’t really move myself in doing a lot of productive stuff. I tend to become lazy and just Netflix, take a bath and cuddle cats. Nothing wrong with that, but sometimes stuff needs to be done. Ping! silent mode on. I didn’t peek.
So I escaped the house and went to Brielle, a little cute town close to my hometown where I live with my dad. The weather is nice and it’s a market day and people have vacation so there’s a lot (for a small town) of crowd around. It gives a really nice atmosphere, but it makes me question my outfit and decision to do a non-make-up-day and wear my glasses. What if I bump into a hot guy that wants to take me for ice-cream? Well if he’s my type and I’m his he doesn’t care about my messy hair and no make-up-face. And I’m not here for ice-cream with hot guys, for a matter a fact I’m detoxing, trying not to eat sugar and I’m here to be productive. To write, to figure out my life.
But life is an ongoing…. I got distracted again. The waitress has a really nice and round bum. It looks really good with the tight black jeans and the black apron. I tend to look at girls more and more lately, is that a sign? Am I slowly turning gay from being single for three years? I don’t think so, but I am appreciating the beauty of women more.
So I’m sitting here on a terras of a nice restaurant with a cup of fresh mint tea with honey writing about the purpose of life again. Life is an ongoing process of coincident events right? So the choices I make, constantly effect the moment, here and now, but also the future. So probably I am sitting here for a reason. Why am I sitting at a restaurant where they sell really good food, while I try not to eat? I read in a blog the other day about detoxing and fasting that it’s the best to avoid places with temptations. I work at a restaurant, where I’m working with food all day and then on my day off I’m sitting at a restaurant next to people having an amazing lunch. I should never torture myself right? Right. I’m asking for a menu. It’s all about the balance. Judging. Judging myself, judging other people. Without even noticing it I was judging the lady that just walked by. Her outfit made me feel less bad about mine. And did the waiter just looked at me a little bit longer then you normally would do? You know what? I’m going to be celibate. No sex, no self pleasure, nothing. Let’s start with 30 days. It will help me to get rid of the distraction of looking for attention and sexual tention. I heard that if you do it for a long time, things in your body change. Your hormones don’t get triggered that easily. I do think I’m already pretty aware of the work of the hormones in the body. I have to be since I’ve been practicing unconditional love. Being with guys as in, hanging out, without having any expectations and truly enjoy the moment, without expecting to see them ever again. It’s very hard sometimes, but it’s a strong practice and very fulfilling.
Wow, hot guy cycling by really fast. My head turned and I realised I probably went to school with him. This is going to be hard. Sometimes suffering is part of the proces with a higher purpose. I’m reading about Tantra and in order to understand this philosophy in a deeper way, I need to experience it. The waitress with the round bum asked me if I want to eat something. Temptations. No thank you, just a sparkling water with lemon will do for me. I pour my leftover fresh mint leaves in the glass and stir it around with the lemon. Let’s make it a little feast! Taking care of myself does feel good. The detoxing proces is always so interesting. You don’t want to know what has been in my body for god knows how long. Getting rid of it makes me feel….. well not quite good yet, but I know it will come. I do feel lighter, but I also feel cloudy and grumpy sometimes because of the toxins that flow around freely now.
The purpose of life is being happy. I look around and wonder if the people around me are happy. You can see it in someones face right? In someones eyes. The eyes of people are the reflection of the soul where the true happiness is housed. If a person suffers, you can see it in their eyes. I do think that the elder people who are sitting around me are more happy then the young ones, because they get less distracted by technology and enjoy the company of their loved-ones more. Haha I got distracted by a lady who I was just observing as being very happy in her eyes, who was jelling; Gert-jan, Gert-jan, no come back here!! I was surprised by her upset tone in her voice, but then I realised what was going on. Her nephew tries to pay for the bill and that’s out of the question! First world problems, luxury problems.
Sometimes I wish I could be bothered by things like that instead of feeling all the pain and suffering of the less fortunate in the world. Aha there we go! I strongly feel my purpose is to help those who need it. To make people see what are the problems in the bigger picture. To show that greed and ignorance are causes of the endless suffering and the destruction of our Mother Earth. If I look around I know, nobody here is thinking about any of these things. But it does make me suffer, so who is crazy now? If the purpose of life is being Happy, but the urge to help and safe the world causes that I’m suffering, should I stop? What can I do? I know in order to help others, I need be ready. I need to help myself first. That’s why I decided to go to India again, to travel again to gain more real knowledge by experiencing other cultures, listening to wise people and working on my physical strength and flexibility.
And then this little cute kid walked by and my heart makes a little jump. Oh these hormones, these bloody bloody hormones that grinch my stomach and wiggle my ovaries. All the time I have this discussion with myself. One of the world problems is overpopulation, so why on earth would I make more of them? But on the other hand, I would make really cute kids that will make this world a better place to live in. ‘Ignorant’ people will continue making ‘ignorant’ baby’s. But do I want my kids to grow up in a world that gets more and more destroyed by this humans that don’t have a clue and thrive on money and greed?
Yesterday I watched the film; ‘Given’. A must see. It will change your perspective on having kids completely. It wasn’t something I’ve never seen before, but it was a sweet reminder that if I will ever have kids I will travel the world with them. I will also settle down of course, because that’s also what kids need, but for a certain period of time I will show them what the world looks like and teach them everything I know. Yes I would love to do that with a beautiful surfer on my side, but if that’s not possible I’m perfectly capable of doing that alone.
The waiter is talking to an elder lady next to me about his kid who is 1,5 years old but then he said a little bit louder than he should that he is divorced. What is he trying to say? He keeps on looking my way and he was talking to me before that there are worse places to work than out here in the sun. I like the attention, but I’m not interested. There’s no wow factor or attraction. I’m not desperate, not even for attention. Okay maybe a little bit, but I can manage without. I’m perfectly happy on my own, I don’t need a man in my life to make me happy.
I’ts beer o’clock.. Just a cheeky beer and a cigarette? Can I be strong? Can I resist?