25–05-2015 Airplane Singapore – Kuala Lumpur – Amsterdam
My life is a jungle
I feel a bit lost. Suddenly there is a lot of doubt in me. Doubt about what I want with my life. What am I going to do? Do I really want to go back traveling? Or do I want to build up a new home in Holland, maybe start a family, reproduce myself? Find a job, get back in society? Well I am certainly going to India for the yoga teacher training. I don’t have to decide what I’m going to do after that. I do have to find a job though, but I don’t have to decide where yet.
I’m on my way back to Holland. Back to the people I love. Back to a safe place. In my last post I wrote that I am scared to leave comfortable Asia, but I think it’s not just the fact that I leave paradise that makes me scared or sad. I’m just really not sure what I want and going back for just two months means that I am going to leave again. I am going away again, so again I am going to say goodbyes in Holland. You would think I am an expert now in that, the traveling made me strong, but I am not really looking forward to that. Wow, I am lost. Why am I focussing so much on this? Why is the fear taking over? Let’s focus on the other side. I am going to see my family and friends who I love a lot and who I’ve missed so so much. I am going to enjoy all the time I have with them, live in the moment that we’re together. I am going to show them how much I appreciate them. Not just by sharing my goofy souvenirs, but by loving them en being there, sharing my crazy stories and energy with them and listen to all their adventures while I was gone. It’s really true that I realize now how much I love and appreciate my family and friends. I realize it more than before the travels. Missing makes you appreciate.
Okay, maybe I am not that lost, I just need to put some things in perspective. The doubt about what I want in my life will never really disappear I guess. I am an adventurer, always looking for new exciting things. I’m easily bored and distracted, I always want to learn new skills and I need a challenge in my life. I am really passionate and I am full of energy. Sometimes that results in chaos and/or stress, because I run so fast I can’t keep up with myself. But the road I am running on, is like a mountain track in the jungle, challenging, climbing up and down. There is so much going on, so much to see, to hear, to smell. Sometimes there is an obstacle, like a fallen tree, or a big rock that forces me to stop running. That forces me to rest for a bit, to reflect. To look at myself, reflect on myself, see how far I’ve become and how high I’ve climbed. How much I have improved since the start of the walk. Now I am thinking, am I improved if I see the start of the travels as the start of this walk? Off course I am, but not just because of the journey. Everybody is improving everyday, but I just took a different route now than I did, so I see the world in a different perspective. This makes me more conscious about myself.
But the people who are home in Holland also continued their own paths. Paths we used to walk together before I left. They continued with their lives and as much as I wanted to follow them in what they were doing, where they were going, I feel like I lost track. Like I didn’t try enough. It’s impossible to keep track of everything that happens on the other side of the world while I am running trough my own excited jungle, mountain path. That’s a good perspective. It doesn’t help me nor them to feel guilty about not keeping in touch enough, but I hope they understand. Let’s not just hope, but let’s trust. I trust my family and friends understand and don’t judge me about the fact that I couldn’t keep track of their lives during my travels. Let go of expectations. What is the worst thing that can happen? Well, the worst thing is that I don’t understand them and they don’t understand me right away.
I don’t feel like I’ve changed a lot though. Off course I’m a better version of myself, but I’m still myself, I’m still Gwen. Gwen, the blonde, crazy Dutch girl with a thousand hobby’s. Or maybe that’s not how everybody sees me. But then again, everybody looks at me from a different perspective. People know me in all different ways, but everybody has a different vision on the world. I met up with my best friend Dayna tree weeks ago and we traveled Malaysia together. Before she came I had the same thoughts. There was a chance that we’ve been grown apart, but the opposite was true. Our connection is strong and I had an amazing time traveling with her. It also felt like a preparation for going back to Holland. Talking Dutch, she gave me some updates about what happened when I wasn’t there. But also because she feels like home, comfortable, safe. I asked her if she thought I was changed, a different person from before I left. Her answer was that apart from the fact that I’m kind of a hippie now (with dreadlocks in my hair and stuff), my but is a bit bigger, I paint now and she didn’t now I could sing ‘yoga songs’ (mantra’s) and I’m even more dreamy than I was before I was still the same. Gwen, her crazy blonde best friend. We still can talk about everything and we still understand, respect and love each other. Above that all, we still have a lot of fun together and this trip brought us closer together than ever. Like we say in Holland: ‘We are two hands on one belly’. I’m really happy and grateful I could share a part of my adventure with her.
I tried to write about who I am a couple of times, but without success so far. The idea was that it can maybe help me to put some facts about me on paper to create a clearer vision of who I am and then maybe about what I want as well. There are so many ways to describe a person. There are so many boxes I can put myself in. Labels I can put on myself. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t say that’s a bad thing. It can be really refreshing to see what type I am. It helps me to learn more about myself. In Philippines I did an empowerment session in the yoga-retreat, Bahay Kalipay. One of the things that came out of it that I had fear of being myself. But in order to be completely myself and to let go of the fear it would be helpful to know who I am. If I recognize the point where I start to hide myself, I can face the fear and embrace it. It has a lot to do with self-confident and self-consciousness. I also look at myself from different perspectives. Sometimes I’m really insecure, so I see this vulnerable little girl that is screaming for attention. Attention and love from others to build up the confidence. But sometimes I see a strong woman who is fun, loving and confident. She doesn’t need attention from others, because she knows she is enough. I like her more. The thing is, it’s the subconscious that decide that the insecure girl takes over, so I’m not fully aware that it happens. I need to develop some kind of tool that gives me a sign or something. A bell that rings. Interesting. Meditation helps. By meditating I turn into myself and I’m much more aware of who I am and what I need. Probably it also takes some practice.
Yoga is a preparation of the body to sit for a long time, to meditate. I haven’t been doing my self practice that much lately. I can meditate without doing yoga off course, but I also feel so much better if I do yoga daily. I just needed a reminder of that I guess. A push in the right direction. The yoga helps me to stay on the right path in the jungle. It helps me to stay still sometimes, to reflect. But to grow so much at the same time. Yoga doesn’t cost time, it makes time. Wise words. It’s time I’m going to listen to my own advice every now and then.
There is still 3:03 hours to remain before I arrive in Amsterdam. I’m so thrilled and full of excitement by the thought of it! There are a bunch of butterflies having a party in my belly!
So I have still three hours left to practice to sit still. Sounds like a perfect opportunity to do some meditation and maybe take a little nap. So there we go! Aaaauuuuummmmmm…….